Sometimes, I find myself silently praying I could turn back the days when it was still me whom you loved the most. And also sometimes, I found myself laughing in between these tears and tight chest — questioning why I am still holding on to a memory that should better be forgotten. I don’t know why it keeps hurting when I should’ve hated you for leaving me with no prior notice. I don’t know why I allowed my world to stop revolving just because you’re no longer here with me.
You see, I still deal with all of these alone and no matter how much I wished I could escape everything, I can’t see a way out. It’s like being stuck in a room with no sight of starting over again with myself. I still face them every day —your aftermath, your ruins, your storms and your lies. I still wonder why it hurts the same when time was supposed to help me heal.
Maybe along all these destructions, I had hidden a part of me somewhere that I could no longer locate. I felt lost and my compass kept telling there’s no way I could go back. Maybe you’re the only one who made me happy to the point that it feels so empty the day you left. Maybe you’re the one who understood me the most that’s why I feel like a stray person never knowing where to go. Maybe, you’re the only one who kept me whole that’s why I don’t know how to pick myself up when you broke me and maybe —just another pathetic maybe, you gave so much of yourself in me that I started knowing you more than I know myself. And I keep searching for you. I keep collecting everything that shows signs of your remnants. I keep running after the same bus of memories and keep staring at the picture frame with your unhappy face. I keep wandering through my wonders hoping someday soon, I will meet you once again. And you’ll forgive me for emptying you.
I sometimes find myself wanting to be lost forever hoping one day, you’ll find yourself searching for me too.

• NestaNesta

Does that make me bad? When I just woke up to reality and realized I should stop forcing my heart to feel the things that have already gone a long time ago? Does that make me bad when I finally decided to listen to myself and live life in my own terms?
Am I a bad person just because I finally decided to let go of everything we started, and that I only stayed because of guilt and not love? Am I a bad person for finally taking the courage of stepping out of your world and take the chance to chase my dreams? Am I a bad person just because I got the truth that loving you made me miserable and incapable?
Am I the worst person just because I left even if you knew how I tried so goddamned hard to understand every single situation we were up to? Am I still a bad person just because I have to leave now —it was me who wanted to put myself first after you left me so empty? Am I a bad person just because I wanted to give myself the opportunity of new beginnings?
Am I a bad person just because i’m able to be happy now,
It was you who hurt me first? forgot?

• Nesta, Didn’t Mean To Hurt You

If I should ever leave you whom I love, to go along silent way, grieve not nor talk to me with tears. But laugh and talk of me, as if I was beside you there

“SORRY”
—
Sorry for the loss
of a love so true.
Sorry for the life that
I should have spent
with you.
Sorry for the days
when I could think,
it could have been us,
…sharing joy and laughter,
…pains and sorrows.
Sorry for the times
that we could have spent
traveling the world,
…discovering places
and things between us.
Sorry for the chances
that we had missed
saving you and me
for the sake of ‘us’.
Sorry for the future
that we once dreamed of,
but could never ever
happen anymore.
Sorry for the fact
that you lose me
and I you—
—and I couldn’t even do
anything about that.
Sorry because no matter
how we walk on
the same road,
we still see
a lot of crossroads.
Sorry for the reality
that I am actually okay
about all these—
—does that make me bad?
Sorry…
…for this lifetime
is no longer ours to keep.

“It took me a while but I made it, ” He said as she stood next to him. The October wind reminded him about the past he tried to erase — the coldness, the silence, and the throbbing presence. It was as if she’s still the same woman from a year ago, the same woman he loved the most yet left him.
“And this is scary,” he continued. “It’s scary because I am fine. I went on with my life and tried so hard to forget the pain. I tried to let go of everything hoping it will stop knocking on my door at three am when my heart was at its most vulnerable state. I never invited our happy memories back to my life. I tried not say your name and stop dreaming about you. I stopped myself from hearing the love songs, watching the movies that tell half of your story. I tried to work hard hoping I could fill my time with reality that there’s life that I need to catch up. And that there’s no need to grieve for the love I can’t pull back to the surface. I convinced myself that our love sank and I just need to abandon it too like you did. I tried to stop showing everyone that I was so torn and I lost my balance. I tried everything I could. It took me years to master everything by pretending it doesn’t hurt. I lied to myself as much as I could just so I could cover up the pain that we fucked up and you left me alone when I was at the verge of surrendering everything to you. I tried so hard to forget you and I thought I did. I was okay. I was fucking okay. I was supposed to be okay but why does your sudden reappearance suddenly take me back to that exact day when I started losing you?
I was supposed to be fine and I don’t understand why I still get weak on my knees just by hearing your name, just by hearing that you’d be here, and just hearing your voice asking me how was I like we didn’t matter? It’s terrifying because I could still feel my heart aching although I conditioned it to be prepared if ever this day happens. It took me months to build myself up again but it only takes few seconds to collapse everything I worked on. It took me months to forget everything but it only takes one smile from you to bring every sting of your hundred versions of goodbye.
It only takes one moment of being with you to remind me that I will never truly forget. It took me months to forget you and a second to recall everything.
That’s what you did to me
—when it comes to you
I always lose myself.”

• Nesta your soulmate

I thought that out of all the other people I met, you’ll turn to be the only person who knew me best. I thought the years we spent with each other through ups and downs were enough for you to know me well. You see, when I said I loved you before it meant I was willing to turn myself away from what the world has wanted me to take —you’re the only choice I never stopped taking over and over again. You became the only person who picked me too no matter how dry the chances of us were. We stood with each other for so long that I mistakenly thought you memorized me that much and that you knew my silence meant something and I could only collapse it down every time you never stopped asking me what’s wrong, that I am always the soft one who cries myself to sleep every time I recall how I hurt you unintentionally and how we always begin the mornings with bawled eyes and forgiveness. You knew I scream when my heart was full of anger but I always stitch you back once again with my apologies and promises. You knew how I value trust and privacy that every time I see you break it, I break myself more evenly so I would blame myself for being too reckless and trusty. You knew I am cold on some nights but it only takes one call and one afternoon date to bring back the warmth of our love. You knew there are days when I am too distant for a reach out but you’re the only body I wanted to sleep next to with every night. We won so many fights that strengthened us and lost so many bad memories.
We had on and off days but you saw how I tried my hardest to find my way back to you when my mind was no longer clouded by my own self-issues. I thought you knew me that much, that I am always taking times up if necessary, that I always take a moment to think over from my changed feelings but I will always puzzle myself back together so I could tell you that I am back to my old shape again and we could start again. I thought you knew me more than the world that you became too expert to understand me over and over again because you knew my heart knows nobody but only you.
But somehow, I realized that you grew tired understanding me. You grew tired waiting for my seasons to change. You grew tired hoping I was just the consistent one instead. You grew tired trying to disentangle my dark thoughts and grew tired humming my sadness out from me. Suddenly, you grew tired fighting for your love for me because you realized you could start with someone else instead of forcing things that sometimes grew out of your control.
Just when I learned to put myself back together, willing to love you once more. Just when I thought we could start again from the tatters because that’s how I cope with things I don’t understand until I learned to understand —you suddenly stopped welcoming the chances of us. Perhaps, our memories didn’t carry substance at all for you, or probably, you only saw your sacrifices just to have me.
I thought if there’s someone out there who knows me better than anyone — I used to be so confident to say that it’s you.
But I was wrong.
Maybe you just didnt know me that well at all.

From a soulmate

so many questions in my mind now….. trying to figure how all it all happened. its like a bad dream i cant wake from….

City was mine

“I came back. And I am here not because I want to ask you to put me back into your life. Today, I came back because I need to hear something from you, and I don’t want another stack of lies to save me from falling apart. Hurt me if you have to. Hurt me with the truth. That’s the only thing I want to carry with me when I go home. I just want to understand why you stop showing up when we’ve known each other for so long. I don’t understand how quick it was for your heart to change when you used to love me for years. I want to know where I went wrong, what things I gave more, and what made you change your mind. I want to hear my what are my mistakes, my shortages, and my being-too-much
I want to know if there’s someone else, or you just fell out. I want to know why you stopped choosing me when all I ever did was plan my upcoming days with you.
I tried so hard to connect everything, but I still don’t get it. Still, I don’t understand. I don’t know why loving you this much made you want to stop loving me in return.
I just want to hear how it all happened because I can’t give myself the reasons why. Help me understand because just like you, I want to go on with my life like nothing has ever happened.
Just like you, I want to fall out of love too.
It’s just that———I don’t know how.”

Am still stuck here where you said goodbye… 💔

‘I got so used to loving you. Perhaps, I had been so over-confident that it will be us in the end. I mean, why shouldn’t I? We were happy over simple pleasures that life and chances could give. Sometimes it’s just me and you lying on the bed all day watching funny videos, or cooking hot sphaggetti on a rainy afternoon. Sometimes, it’s us taking a walk to people’s park. Sometimes, it’s just me and you, on 24/7 convenient store buying lime juice, your usual favourite drink. Sometimes, hating the same people who hurt us while the roads slowly turn uncrowded. Most of the nights, it’s the hugs when the silence grew more ill, or sometimes when we ran out of reasons to argue. Sometimes it’s you telling me you can’t wait to see me and sometimes it’s me, wishing it’s already weekend so we could go out and free ourselves from the demanding weekday workloads. We were contented with each other’s company that I didn’t mind losing friends, I didn’t mind not answering the ones who wanted to make me a part of their lives because I am happy being with you. It was just that. I sacrificed a massive number of people because I realized it’s hard trying to maintain an image that you’re not and that you taught me that you’re the only one person who will accept me for who I am may it be my storms or my calms.
I got so confident that when you’re happy, it means it’ll get to be forever. But behind that happiness was a series of endless fights we tried to forget instead of resolving, behind those kisses were sharped words we threw at each other when we’re mad. We tried so hard to be perfect for each other until we tried enough and got tired.
It was a fucked up misconception. The moment you let me go, I knew I was going to lose everything I have in me. As I watch your life silently from a distance, as I watch how your life continues to go on after me, I realized that you’re slowly gaining yourself back. You found people who welcome you, embraces you, and distracts you from seeing the scattered fragments of us. I am happy that you’re now happy but why am I feeling that it was a bit unfair on my side? You have them and I have no one. It was unfair because you built a new world with somebody else while I am still here, trying to recall the day you told me I should abandon mine until I could no longer remember where I left it. it’s unfair because you’re happy and I am still mourning because I can’t find a reason to move on and start like nothing hurts. It’s fckng unfair because you have so many friends while I turned my back to mine ti be with you.
Sometimes I don’t understand why I am crying over the bad decisions that I made. Maybe I got so used to loving you that I never prepared a life away from you. And perhaps, I got so used to how you always find your way back to me because you promised me you never needed anyone aside from me. Maybe I got so used to the second chances and ‘try-agains’. Perhaps it hurts because you still matter to me. I hope forgetting is as easy as how you do it. Maybe I got so used to how you memorized me when I’m sad and how I got so used to your concerns that I have no one to run to except you.
And maybe I got so used that when you wanted to be happy,
it was me whom you’re looking for. Not them. Not the world. Not anyone else.”

Picking up the pieces….

i heard you got yourself a new love. A love that you picked up from a perfect novel you once read when you were sixteen, a love that was worth your narration and shout of pride. I heard his name spelled in complexity but you always love pronouncing difficult words, like anagrams playing its goddamned tricks on you. I know I wasn’t supposed to pour an exaggerated reaction but I couldn’t help myself but think about you being in someone else arms.
I marvel through the idea of him being around you. I can’t help but think about him doing things I used to do just to make you happy and I am dying a grand death within just by thinking about him kissing you, while his hands making its way to your hair, stroking it through his fingers while pushing his lips against you more passionately. I think about you kissing back, like how you always did to me, like how you always surprise me by your gradual forming of a smile and unexpected whisper of thanks-for-coming-into-my-life while your lips still pressed.
I ponder to the thought of him holding your hand when you walk on sidewalks, how he switches positions just so you’ll be on the safer side. I can’t swallow how this image of you wrapping your arms around him while crossing the street because you always had been this afraid of getting hit by a speeding car. I think about him giving you his chicken skin, how you sip his cucumber juice because you finished yours so instantly. I think about you laughing so hard you forgot about your good postures because his jokes sounded better and fresh. I think about him walking you back to your home like how I always did, while you lean over to kiss him goodbye and promising him that you’ll see each other again the next day. I think about him giving you what you want, and taking you to fancy diners and buying you trendy clothes. I think about him having a drink with your younger brother. I think about him making love on you, on the same bed covers that witnessed us naked and vulnerable. I think about him listening to your childhood stories and how he stays with you until the morning sun rays made its way through your window. I think about him dancing you, and carrying you while crossing hanging bridges.
I can’t help but entertain these hints of him loving you like you are a mixture of present happiness and future accomplishment. I think about you, loving him too, with all of your heart. I think about you thanking him for being there when you needed him the most when you want someone to rescue you in the peeking disc of hopelessness.
I guess you found yourself a man who will love you despite all your crashes and hard scabs.
And this became my own karma, bleeding still with saltwater and beer. I hate seeing my world getting into someone else’s galaxy. I hate seeing my favorite color blending into hues just because that is where she out stands. And love, I hate seeing you get into someone else’s touch just because what we’ve been through felt like a prison and selfishness became the air we inhaled day after day. I still love you I never realized I was holding you on the throat. I never realized I wanted you so bad that I want you to keep your days and nights inside my room.
I put you in a cage and locked you when your wings were made for flying and coming back. God, I never realized that loving you so much made me damage you too. So I think about him treating you right, loving you right as you show him your best versions. I think about him staying with you without you needing to beg for him to do so.
I know my mistakes haunted me, there’s this scream that says it was all my faults. But I’m glad you found happiness without changing who you are.
I hope it was me telling you I love you and that I’m willing to change. But I guess I was late. So I hope he does love you right, like how I used to be. I hope it was me. That was supposed to be me if only I didn’t hold too much of myself.
If only I knew you once yearned to breathe.
Stay happy because you’ve been too sad for too long.
Stay happy because I made you sad for too long.

NestaSw…. i still hope you never changed my name in your phone