“It took me a while but I made it, ” He said as she stood next to him. The October wind reminded him about the past he tried to erase — the coldness, the silence, and the throbbing presence. It was as if she’s still the same woman from a year ago, the same woman he loved the most yet left him.
“And this is scary,” he continued. “It’s scary because I am fine. I went on with my life and tried so hard to forget the pain. I tried to let go of everything hoping it will stop knocking on my door at three am when my heart was at its most vulnerable state. I never invited our happy memories back to my life. I tried not say your name and stop dreaming about you. I stopped myself from hearing the love songs, watching the movies that tell half of your story. I tried to work hard hoping I could fill my time with reality that there’s life that I need to catch up. And that there’s no need to grieve for the love I can’t pull back to the surface. I convinced myself that our love sank and I just need to abandon it too like you did. I tried to stop showing everyone that I was so torn and I lost my balance. I tried everything I could. It took me years to master everything by pretending it doesn’t hurt. I lied to myself as much as I could just so I could cover up the pain that we fucked up and you left me alone when I was at the verge of surrendering everything to you. I tried so hard to forget you and I thought I did. I was okay. I was fucking okay. I was supposed to be okay but why does your sudden reappearance suddenly take me back to that exact day when I started losing you?
I was supposed to be fine and I don’t understand why I still get weak on my knees just by hearing your name, just by hearing that you’d be here, and just hearing your voice asking me how was I like we didn’t matter? It’s terrifying because I could still feel my heart aching although I conditioned it to be prepared if ever this day happens. It took me months to build myself up again but it only takes few seconds to collapse everything I worked on. It took me months to forget everything but it only takes one smile from you to bring every sting of your hundred versions of goodbye.
It only takes one moment of being with you to remind me that I will never truly forget. It took me months to forget you and a second to recall everything.
That’s what you did to me
—when it comes to you
I always lose myself.”
- Nesta your soulmate
