Down the memory lane

Sometimes, I find myself silently praying I could turn back the days when it was still me whom you loved the most. And also sometimes, I found myself laughing in between these tears and tight chest — questioning why I am still holding on to a memory that should better be forgotten. I don’t know why it keeps hurting when I should’ve hated you for leaving me with no prior notice. I don’t know why I allowed my world to stop revolving just because you’re no longer here with me.
You see, I still deal with all of these alone and no matter how much I wished I could escape everything, I can’t see a way out. It’s like being stuck in a room with no sight of starting over again with myself. I still face them every day —your aftermath, your ruins, your storms and your lies. I still wonder why it hurts the same when time was supposed to help me heal.
Maybe along all these destructions, I had hidden a part of me somewhere that I could no longer locate. I felt lost and my compass kept telling there’s no way I could go back. Maybe you’re the only one who made me happy to the point that it feels so empty the day you left. Maybe you’re the one who understood me the most that’s why I feel like a stray person never knowing where to go. Maybe, you’re the only one who kept me whole that’s why I don’t know how to pick myself up when you broke me and maybe —just another pathetic maybe, you gave so much of yourself in me that I started knowing you more than I know myself. And I keep searching for you. I keep collecting everything that shows signs of your remnants. I keep running after the same bus of memories and keep staring at the picture frame with your unhappy face. I keep wandering through my wonders hoping someday soon, I will meet you once again. And you’ll forgive me for emptying you.
I sometimes find myself wanting to be lost forever hoping one day, you’ll find yourself searching for me too.

• NestaNesta