Where you Left me

‘I got so used to loving you. Perhaps, I had been so over-confident that it will be us in the end. I mean, why shouldn’t I? We were happy over simple pleasures that life and chances could give. Sometimes it’s just me and you lying on the bed all day watching funny videos, or cooking hot sphaggetti on a rainy afternoon. Sometimes, it’s us taking a walk to people’s park. Sometimes, it’s just me and you, on 24/7 convenient store buying lime juice, your usual favourite drink. Sometimes, hating the same people who hurt us while the roads slowly turn uncrowded. Most of the nights, it’s the hugs when the silence grew more ill, or sometimes when we ran out of reasons to argue. Sometimes it’s you telling me you can’t wait to see me and sometimes it’s me, wishing it’s already weekend so we could go out and free ourselves from the demanding weekday workloads. We were contented with each other’s company that I didn’t mind losing friends, I didn’t mind not answering the ones who wanted to make me a part of their lives because I am happy being with you. It was just that. I sacrificed a massive number of people because I realized it’s hard trying to maintain an image that you’re not and that you taught me that you’re the only one person who will accept me for who I am may it be my storms or my calms.
I got so confident that when you’re happy, it means it’ll get to be forever. But behind that happiness was a series of endless fights we tried to forget instead of resolving, behind those kisses were sharped words we threw at each other when we’re mad. We tried so hard to be perfect for each other until we tried enough and got tired.
It was a fucked up misconception. The moment you let me go, I knew I was going to lose everything I have in me. As I watch your life silently from a distance, as I watch how your life continues to go on after me, I realized that you’re slowly gaining yourself back. You found people who welcome you, embraces you, and distracts you from seeing the scattered fragments of us. I am happy that you’re now happy but why am I feeling that it was a bit unfair on my side? You have them and I have no one. It was unfair because you built a new world with somebody else while I am still here, trying to recall the day you told me I should abandon mine until I could no longer remember where I left it. it’s unfair because you’re happy and I am still mourning because I can’t find a reason to move on and start like nothing hurts. It’s fckng unfair because you have so many friends while I turned my back to mine ti be with you.
Sometimes I don’t understand why I am crying over the bad decisions that I made. Maybe I got so used to loving you that I never prepared a life away from you. And perhaps, I got so used to how you always find your way back to me because you promised me you never needed anyone aside from me. Maybe I got so used to the second chances and ‘try-agains’. Perhaps it hurts because you still matter to me. I hope forgetting is as easy as how you do it. Maybe I got so used to how you memorized me when I’m sad and how I got so used to your concerns that I have no one to run to except you.
And maybe I got so used that when you wanted to be happy,
it was me whom you’re looking for. Not them. Not the world. Not anyone else.”

Picking up the pieces….