i heard you got yourself a new love. A love that you picked up from a perfect novel you once read when you were sixteen, a love that was worth your narration and shout of pride. I heard his name spelled in complexity but you always love pronouncing difficult words, like anagrams playing its goddamned tricks on you. I know I wasn’t supposed to pour an exaggerated reaction but I couldn’t help myself but think about you being in someone else arms.
I marvel through the idea of him being around you. I can’t help but think about him doing things I used to do just to make you happy and I am dying a grand death within just by thinking about him kissing you, while his hands making its way to your hair, stroking it through his fingers while pushing his lips against you more passionately. I think about you kissing back, like how you always did to me, like how you always surprise me by your gradual forming of a smile and unexpected whisper of thanks-for-coming-into-my-life while your lips still pressed.
I ponder to the thought of him holding your hand when you walk on sidewalks, how he switches positions just so you’ll be on the safer side. I can’t swallow how this image of you wrapping your arms around him while crossing the street because you always had been this afraid of getting hit by a speeding car. I think about him giving you his chicken skin, how you sip his cucumber juice because you finished yours so instantly. I think about you laughing so hard you forgot about your good postures because his jokes sounded better and fresh. I think about him walking you back to your home like how I always did, while you lean over to kiss him goodbye and promising him that you’ll see each other again the next day. I think about him giving you what you want, and taking you to fancy diners and buying you trendy clothes. I think about him having a drink with your younger brother. I think about him making love on you, on the same bed covers that witnessed us naked and vulnerable. I think about him listening to your childhood stories and how he stays with you until the morning sun rays made its way through your window. I think about him dancing you, and carrying you while crossing hanging bridges.
I can’t help but entertain these hints of him loving you like you are a mixture of present happiness and future accomplishment. I think about you, loving him too, with all of your heart. I think about you thanking him for being there when you needed him the most when you want someone to rescue you in the peeking disc of hopelessness.
I guess you found yourself a man who will love you despite all your crashes and hard scabs.
And this became my own karma, bleeding still with saltwater and beer. I hate seeing my world getting into someone else’s galaxy. I hate seeing my favorite color blending into hues just because that is where she out stands. And love, I hate seeing you get into someone else’s touch just because what we’ve been through felt like a prison and selfishness became the air we inhaled day after day. I still love you I never realized I was holding you on the throat. I never realized I wanted you so bad that I want you to keep your days and nights inside my room.
I put you in a cage and locked you when your wings were made for flying and coming back. God, I never realized that loving you so much made me damage you too. So I think about him treating you right, loving you right as you show him your best versions. I think about him staying with you without you needing to beg for him to do so.
I know my mistakes haunted me, there’s this scream that says it was all my faults. But I’m glad you found happiness without changing who you are.
I hope it was me telling you I love you and that I’m willing to change. But I guess I was late. So I hope he does love you right, like how I used to be. I hope it was me. That was supposed to be me if only I didn’t hold too much of myself.
If only I knew you once yearned to breathe.
Stay happy because you’ve been too sad for too long.
Stay happy because I made you sad for too long.
NestaSw…. i still hope you never changed my name in your phone
NestaCity 